| | "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)
Being at home in Irvine the past few days has reminded me of the sobering costs of being in full-time ministry.
My decision to be on staff with InterVarsity means that I can't be home to spend time with my family.
Not being at home means that I'm not around to help with my grandma, who is 86 years old, has Alzheimers, and seems to be in a constant state of confusion. She barely remembers my name anymore
Not being around to help with my grandma means more stress for my suddenly ailing dad, who after many years of seemingly good health has experienced a myriad of health problems- a recent heart attack, a re-injured knee, ongoing diabetes, and blood pressure issues.
Not being around to take stress off my dad means ongoing depression for my mom, who has carried overwhelming responsibility and burden for her own family as well as her in-laws, for countless years.
Experiencing all of these family issues unfold before me, in the flesh, has made me wonder if what I'm doing is really all that important or valuable. It made me wonder why I'm in Berkeley, trying to love and serve college students, when I could be at home loving and serving my own family. And I began to ask:
Am I doing the right thing?
Yet, as I wrestled with these costs of ministry and their consequences for me and my family, I was reminded on Sunday that "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."
Everything around me would say to choose the easiest, most comfortable way is the way of life. Upward mobility. Family stability. Physical comfort. Economic security. These are the norms of our society that define what seems like the "right way" to us, a straight line that is "up and to the right," a way that emphasizes wealth, prosperity, success, stability.
In contrast to the way that seems "right," my path makes absolutely no sense at times. It has led me backwards and downwards. It has led me into immense suffering and hardship. Family instability. Physical discomfort. Economic insecurity. Social rejection.
But the truth is, as Dave Gibbon put it, both paths require death. It's just that one path actually seems to give life, but ultimately ends in death. The other path requires death and self-sacrifice along the way, but it ultimately ends in true life.
And it's true. The path that I've chosen may look wrong at times, because it has forced me to die- to my own desires, my own conceptions of what is "right," my own appearance of success, my own expectations of what my life could and should be. Yet despite all that I've given up, the most important thing is that I'm walking with Jesus. I've been obedient to go where He leads me.
Even if it leads me backwards and downwards and upside down and to the left, I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one in whom abundant life is truly offered. I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one who can provide for and heal my family.
So for now, I'm gonna keep walking on the path that Jesus is leading me on.
Even if it doesn't seem like the "right way."
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| | Posted 6/23/2009 12:47 PM - 52 Views - 2 eProps - 2 comments
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