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erinakim
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Name: Erina
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 12/29/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: having too many interests
Expertise: indecision and revision
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/1/2003
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| MessyDespite my attempts to try and sleep early while at home in Irvine, it's nearly 2am and I am awake.
It's nearly 2am and I am awake, because I just spent the last hour and a half dealing with the effects of a semi-sick grandmother, who not only had some serious digestion problems tonight but also has Alzheimers and dementia. Combine the two, and you manage to get an 86-year old who has reverted to the capacities of a 6-month old, throwing up in the bathroom sink and thereby clogging the drain with a lovely combination of throw-up, mucus, and entire chunks of noodle left over from dinner. You also end up with diarrhea, filling her underwear, streaking her pants, and resting on the bathroom floor.
And just when I was done cleaning her (and the bathroom) up, she managed to come back and do the same thing all over again. Except instead of defecating on the bathroom floor this time, she managed to do it in the bathtub. In the midst of washing herself off, she ended up going again, filling the bathtub and spraying herself with brown, chunky water.
Almost 30 minutes later, she then managed to go diarrhea and throw up a third time. In her confusion, she also managed to change out of her dirty pajamas and into a nice dress suit, which she then managed to crap all over as well.
3 different times, she has gotten up and created a ridiculous mess.
3 different times, a set of pajama pants and underwear have been stained.
3 different times, I have had to bathe my grandma, disinfect the bathtub, clean the toilet, wipe the floor, and clear out the sink.
Somehow, in the midst of this, God has been speaking to me.
As I sat in the bathtub, bathing my grandma, I couldn't help think about how it's in the full exposure of one's vulnerability and helplessness that you can fully embrace both the horrors and the beauty of their humanity.
As I washed out the remnants of diarrhea from her underwear and her pajamas, I was reminded of ways we constantly deal with the consequences of the shit in each others' lives.
As I wiped down the floor and the bathtub multiple times with disinfectant, I thought about how intensely messy it is to really love somebody- in both their good and their bad.
And through it all, I was reminded of both the miracle and the horror of Incarnation, the mysteries of a God who would choose to enter into the messiness of our lives and choose to walk with us, embrace us, cleanse us, and love us anyway.
I really hope she doesn't go a 4th time tonight...
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| The "Right" Way"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)
Being at home in Irvine the past few days has reminded me of the sobering costs of being in full-time ministry.
My decision to be on staff with InterVarsity means that I can't be home to spend time with my family.
Not being at home means that I'm not around to help with my grandma, who is 86 years old, has Alzheimers, and seems to be in a constant state of confusion. She barely remembers my name anymore
Not being around to help with my grandma means more stress for my suddenly ailing dad, who after many years of seemingly good health has experienced a myriad of health problems- a recent heart attack, a re-injured knee, ongoing diabetes, and blood pressure issues.
Not being around to take stress off my dad means ongoing depression for my mom, who has carried overwhelming responsibility and burden for her own family as well as her in-laws, for countless years.
Experiencing all of these family issues unfold before me, in the flesh, has made me wonder if what I'm doing is really all that important or valuable. It made me wonder why I'm in Berkeley, trying to love and serve college students, when I could be at home loving and serving my own family. And I began to ask:
Am I doing the right thing?
Yet, as I wrestled with these costs of ministry and their consequences for me and my family, I was reminded on Sunday that "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."
Everything around me would say to choose the easiest, most comfortable way is the way of life. Upward mobility. Family stability. Physical comfort. Economic security. These are the norms of our society that define what seems like the "right way" to us, a straight line that is "up and to the right," a way that emphasizes wealth, prosperity, success, stability.
In contrast to the way that seems "right," my path makes absolutely no sense at times. It has led me backwards and downwards. It has led me into immense suffering and hardship. Family instability. Physical discomfort. Economic insecurity. Social rejection.
But the truth is, as Dave Gibbon put it, both paths require death. It's just that one path actually seems to give life, but ultimately ends in death. The other path requires death and self-sacrifice along the way, but it ultimately ends in true life.
And it's true. The path that I've chosen may look wrong at times, because it has forced me to die- to my own desires, my own conceptions of what is "right," my own appearance of success, my own expectations of what my life could and should be. Yet despite all that I've given up, the most important thing is that I'm walking with Jesus. I've been obedient to go where He leads me.
Even if it leads me backwards and downwards and upside down and to the left, I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one in whom abundant life is truly offered. I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one who can provide for and heal my family.
So for now, I'm gonna keep walking on the path that Jesus is leading me on.
Even if it doesn't seem like the "right way."
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| HumanitySeems like this time of year always brings me back to the realization that I'm a human being.
Yesterday at First Pres, Mark Labberton gave a 4-part summary of the Gospel of Matthew. While I only got the last 3 of his 12 points, his very last point about Matthew being a "humanizing gospel" really stood out to me.
He said that part of the purpose of salvation is to rescue us from the distortions of the world that continually dehumanize us. Sometimes, this dehumanization comes out in us becoming less than we are called to be. Because of the shame, the pain, the brokenness, the sin in our lives, we live not as unique and beloved bearers of God's image, but we live as if we're unloved and worthless. We live as less than He has created us for.
Other times, this dehumanization comes out in us trying to be more than we are called to be, that we in essence try to be our own god. Because of pride and the pressures of our society, we continually strive to achieve more, be more, do more, and make worship of self rather than God the center of our life. We live as if we're the ones in control of our own destiny, as if our own actions, agendas, and plans are what will change not only our own circumstances, but this world.
Both of these sides- living as if we're less than we're called to be and trying to be more than we're called to be- are distortions of our humanity. To be saved by Jesus, then, is ultimately to have this humanity fully restored to us.
And this is terribly disturbing for me.
Because when I look at my life, I realize how hard it is for me to embrace this gift of humanization that Jesus offers. Too often, I forget my own humanity by forgetting my limitations and making myself god of my life. At the same time, too often I forget my humanity by sitting in the shame and disappointment of my life and believing that my worth comes not from being God's creation but from what I can create and accomplish.
So as I continue to oscillate between these two ends, I am realizing that I need Jesus to rescue me from my false selves. I need Jesus to restore my humanity. And I'm thankful that He's the only one who can.
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| The Ache"Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment, in the lack, not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat, everything around it but the emotion itself."
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| Attempt #53.3.09
I tried to write you a letter-
strived to say all the “right things” as I
worked to be a “perfect girlfriend” because I
wanted to make everything
“okay.”
But they’re not.
4 failed attempts-
fumbled words
trite phrases
unsure apologies
crumpled up on lined, yellow sheets
that litter my desk
like your constantly revising emotions.
And this-
This is my 5th
It offers you nothing
except for the fact
that I
have
nothing.
Because in the midst of
writing and re-writing
erasing and thinking
I remembered that
“We” love not because
the other does everything right
“We” share life not just
when things are okay
“We” exist not because
of what I offer or say
No,
“we” can only love, and give, and be
because of the One who loves, and gives and is-
generously.
So-
I tried to write you a letter-
strived to say all the “right things” as I
worked to be a “perfect girlfriend” because I
wanted to make everything
“okay.”
But on my 5th try,
all I really
want to say
is
I love you. He loves us
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