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erinakim
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Name: Erina
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 12/29/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: having too many interests
Expertise: indecision and revision
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
8/1/2003
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| I took a Sabbath today. It was my first “real” Sabbath in a long time.
Ever since my seminary class for the fall quarter started, my weekly schedule has been skewed, and I haven’t really been Sabbathing. I would maybe take a half-sabbath here or there or try to set aside a couple hours of “resting” on random days, but rarely had I been taking true, whole-day Sabbaths. Yet one of the most significant differences I noticed between my “work” days and my Sabbath today was something very simple- my diet.
I ate 3 whole meals today. They were all very colorful, complete, and delicious meals.
For breakfast I ate a bountiful bowl of granola layered with sliced organic strawberries and bananas, topped with vanilla soy milk.
For lunch I ate a sandwich that I made on whole-grain bread with an arugula mayonnaise spread that contained smoked turkey, gouda, avocado, tomato, and lettuce. I also snacked on some garlic sesame sticks from Berkeley bowl.
For dinner, I ate pasta with a sauce that contained zucchinis, red bell peppers, and onion chunks. On the side, I had some acme sourdough bread and a salad that contained tomatoes, cucumbers and carrots. For dessert, I had some more strawberries and some pumpkin spice bread that I had baked.
I ate more than my 5 servings of fruits and vegetables today.
I ate food with a variety of colors and shapes and textures.
And I experienced God’s love and joy through it.
Through it all, I somehow realized that the way that I receive and consume food (physically) often corresponds with the way that I hunger (spiritually). As I was enjoying my dinner with two good friends of mine, I was reminded of a vision that Hana Joe shared with the leaders of CCF on Sunday night.
Hana spoke about how God gave her an image, of a beautiful banquet table, decked out and full of the most delicious foods. Lined up next to the table were rows and rows of chairs, waiting to seat hungry people. But they were all empty.
And as I thought about that vision, and reflected on my life, I realized how poorly I’ve been eating these past few weeks. In my busy-ness, I had failed to eat well. I skipped meals. I rarely ate at the right hour. I almost never cooked. I ate fast food often. I was lucky to have even 1-2 servings of fruit or veggies during a day.
Even more than just not eating well physically, I realized that I haven’t been eating well spiritually. Rather than recognizing my hunger and my need for God, I’ve been turning to cheap substitutes. Rather than experiencing God’s good gifts and being fully satisfied, I’ve been merely “getting by.” Rather than bringing other friends of mine to feast on God’s goodness, I’ve merely been trying to feed them myself, with what I could offer.
But God has set out a banquet table for us! He wants us to hunger after Him and take the seat prepared for us. He longs for us to feast on and taste His amazing love so we can be fully satisfied. His desire is to feed us and fill us with good things. But too often, we’re so busy running around, trying to serve God and feed others, that we don’t ever actually come and sit at His table.
Today, I came and took my seat and ate until I was full. And through it, I remembered that my job as a minister isn’t to try to feed people on my own, but is to come sit at His table and bring other people along to take their seats as well.
He has good things for us.
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| "When God took on flesh in Jesus Christ, the uncreated and the created, the eternal and the temporal, the divine and the human, became united. This unity meant that all that is mortal now points to the immortal, all that is finite now points to the infinite. In and through Jesus, all creation has become like a splendid veil through which the face of God is revealed to us.
This is called the sacramental quality of the created order. All that is is sacred because all that is speaks of God's redeeming love. Seas and winds, mountains and trees, sun, moon, and stars, and all the animals and people have become sacred windows offering us glimpses of God." (Henri Nouwen)
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| Despite my attempts to try and sleep early while at home in Irvine, it's nearly 2am and I am awake.
It's nearly 2am and I am awake, because I just spent the last hour and a half dealing with the effects of a semi-sick grandmother, who not only had some serious digestion problems tonight but also has Alzheimers and dementia. Combine the two, and you manage to get an 86-year old who has reverted to the capacities of a 6-month old, throwing up in the bathroom sink and thereby clogging the drain with a lovely combination of throw-up, mucus, and entire chunks of noodle left over from dinner. You also end up with diarrhea, filling her underwear, streaking her pants, and resting on the bathroom floor.
And just when I was done cleaning her (and the bathroom) up, she managed to come back and do the same thing all over again. Except instead of defecating on the bathroom floor this time, she managed to do it in the bathtub. In the midst of washing herself off, she ended up going again, filling the bathtub and spraying herself with brown, chunky water.
Almost 30 minutes later, she then managed to go diarrhea and throw up a third time. In her confusion, she also managed to change out of her dirty pajamas and into a nice dress suit, which she then managed to crap all over as well.
3 different times, she has gotten up and created a ridiculous mess.
3 different times, a set of pajama pants and underwear have been stained.
3 different times, I have had to bathe my grandma, disinfect the bathtub, clean the toilet, wipe the floor, and clear out the sink.
Somehow, in the midst of this, God has been speaking to me.
As I sat in the bathtub, bathing my grandma, I couldn't help think about how it's in the full exposure of one's vulnerability and helplessness that you can fully embrace both the horrors and the beauty of their humanity.
As I washed out the remnants of diarrhea from her underwear and her pajamas, I was reminded of ways we constantly deal with the consequences of the shit in each others' lives.
As I wiped down the floor and the bathtub multiple times with disinfectant, I thought about how intensely messy it is to really love somebody- in both their good and their bad.
And through it all, I was reminded of both the miracle and the horror of Incarnation, the mysteries of a God who would choose to enter into the messiness of our lives and choose to walk with us, embrace us, cleanse us, and love us anyway.
I really hope she doesn't go a 4th time tonight...
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| "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12)
Being at home in Irvine the past few days has reminded me of the sobering costs of being in full-time ministry.
My decision to be on staff with InterVarsity means that I can't be home to spend time with my family.
Not being at home means that I'm not around to help with my grandma, who is 86 years old, has Alzheimers, and seems to be in a constant state of confusion. She barely remembers my name anymore
Not being around to help with my grandma means more stress for my suddenly ailing dad, who after many years of seemingly good health has experienced a myriad of health problems- a recent heart attack, a re-injured knee, ongoing diabetes, and blood pressure issues.
Not being around to take stress off my dad means ongoing depression for my mom, who has carried overwhelming responsibility and burden for her own family as well as her in-laws, for countless years.
Experiencing all of these family issues unfold before me, in the flesh, has made me wonder if what I'm doing is really all that important or valuable. It made me wonder why I'm in Berkeley, trying to love and serve college students, when I could be at home loving and serving my own family. And I began to ask:
Am I doing the right thing?
Yet, as I wrestled with these costs of ministry and their consequences for me and my family, I was reminded on Sunday that "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."
Everything around me would say to choose the easiest, most comfortable way is the way of life. Upward mobility. Family stability. Physical comfort. Economic security. These are the norms of our society that define what seems like the "right way" to us, a straight line that is "up and to the right," a way that emphasizes wealth, prosperity, success, stability.
In contrast to the way that seems "right," my path makes absolutely no sense at times. It has led me backwards and downwards. It has led me into immense suffering and hardship. Family instability. Physical discomfort. Economic insecurity. Social rejection.
But the truth is, as Dave Gibbon put it, both paths require death. It's just that one path actually seems to give life, but ultimately ends in death. The other path requires death and self-sacrifice along the way, but it ultimately ends in true life.
And it's true. The path that I've chosen may look wrong at times, because it has forced me to die- to my own desires, my own conceptions of what is "right," my own appearance of success, my own expectations of what my life could and should be. Yet despite all that I've given up, the most important thing is that I'm walking with Jesus. I've been obedient to go where He leads me.
Even if it leads me backwards and downwards and upside down and to the left, I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one in whom abundant life is truly offered. I need to trust and believe that the one I'm walking with is the one who can provide for and heal my family.
So for now, I'm gonna keep walking on the path that Jesus is leading me on.
Even if it doesn't seem like the "right way."
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| Seems like this time of year always brings me back to the realization that I'm a human being.
Yesterday at First Pres, Mark Labberton gave a 4-part summary of the Gospel of Matthew. While I only got the last 3 of his 12 points, his very last point about Matthew being a "humanizing gospel" really stood out to me.
He said that part of the purpose of salvation is to rescue us from the distortions of the world that continually dehumanize us. Sometimes, this dehumanization comes out in us becoming less than we are called to be. Because of the shame, the pain, the brokenness, the sin in our lives, we live not as unique and beloved bearers of God's image, but we live as if we're unloved and worthless. We live as less than He has created us for.
Other times, this dehumanization comes out in us trying to be more than we are called to be, that we in essence try to be our own god. Because of pride and the pressures of our society, we continually strive to achieve more, be more, do more, and make worship of self rather than God the center of our life. We live as if we're the ones in control of our own destiny, as if our own actions, agendas, and plans are what will change not only our own circumstances, but this world.
Both of these sides- living as if we're less than we're called to be and trying to be more than we're called to be- are distortions of our humanity. To be saved by Jesus, then, is ultimately to have this humanity fully restored to us.
And this is terribly disturbing for me.
Because when I look at my life, I realize how hard it is for me to embrace this gift of humanization that Jesus offers. Too often, I forget my own humanity by forgetting my limitations and making myself god of my life. At the same time, too often I forget my humanity by sitting in the shame and disappointment of my life and believing that my worth comes not from being God's creation but from what I can create and accomplish.
So as I continue to oscillate between these two ends, I am realizing that I need Jesus to rescue me from my false selves. I need Jesus to restore my humanity. And I'm thankful that He's the only one who can.
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